Thursday, June 24, 2010

So, I'm moving forward with my life. Slowly, and tentatively, but I'm getting there, and that's what counts.

Took a trip to the new home city, 18 hours away with my cuz. She was saying that it's been hard seeing me this past while, even though she's been happy to support me, because I was always a shit-kicking, take-no-prisoners and forge ahead kind of girl, and this getting sick, and having my relationship with J go to hell just really took the wind out of my sails, and scared me, and I've been different. It was hard to hear, but I think it's true. I used to believe in myself. Some of it was bravado, sure, but some of it was real, and that part really took a beating.

I want to learn to avoid that in the future. Especially in relationships. How do you get aong with people, and make things work, without working at changing each other?

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

Unpacking my marriage

Just like I tried to be fair when I was packing up the house, I'm trying to be fair in unpacking the problems of the marriage.

I know that I was unfair, especially at the end. Everyone has a right to a relationship without yelling and raging, and without their spouse throwing things. I couldn't manage that at all.

I also know that everyone has the right to not be lied to, and J lied about money. There was a small claims court judgement against her that I only found out about when we were doing the tax backlog. She also lied about doing the taxes, every year for 10 years, said she would do them, and then did not.

J had a right to be apreciated and respected, and I couldn't always manage that. I would get upset over the lack of communication, and frustrated over not having plans, and no matter how badly I wanted to keep to my resolutions to keep the peace, and not get mad, I'd end up losing it. I couldn't keep things civil.

I had a right to make plans to look forward to. I had a right to be able to talk about problems, and get some kind of resolution, even if that resolution was to agree to disagree, instead of the tacit agreement to disassociate together.

We worked well together. We loved each other as well as we could, and, honestly, it was remarkable when it worked, but it was a dream. Real life is a hell of a lot more painful.

I am lonely. I am remembering that I was lonely when I was with J too, but it was dulled by just having someone else there.

After getting sick, I needed to grieve, and I needed to do that with J. I tried. Clumsily, awkwardly, maybe even harshly and brutally sometimes, but she wasn't having anything to do with that. She had her therapist, and being someone who doesn't share feelings, she wasn't up for doing that with me.

I needed us to aknowledge the loss together. The loss of our future, of our plans, of what felt like everything.

It's taken a lot of work for me to feel like I can build a life for myself again. I would have liked to build it with Jay. I miss her like crazy.

A friend suggested that J couldn't cope with me being sick, and I think that's part of it.

I still feel like such a failure.

Saturday, June 05, 2010

Letter to a friend...

My very dear friend invented a "cover story" for the chunks of our life together that I don't remember because of the strokes and other neurological damage... Whenever they talk about something we did, and I don't remember, they say "and then you were tied to a tree" lol. So, there was the time that we went looking for the maple sugar bush, but it was closed, and I got tied to a tree... becuase I don't remember ANY of it. It makes the biggest difference, because it lightens, and takes the shame and some of the grief out of the fact that I've lost chunks of my history, and chunks of my life.

I'm so sorry to hear about you losing your writing. I can only imagine... I've found a bunch of mine in my computer, but lots of it is brand new to me, because I don't remember writing it. I'm reading it, thinking "hey, this is pretty good". lol.

I'm so incredibly glad to have met you. Thanks for being my friend. :) This stuff is so scary, and so fucking goddamned awful, and it's so hard to explain to people, because just talking about it feels like my heart is going to fall out of me with pain and rage.

My ex told me after a year and a half that I should be "over this", and I should be adjusting to life with this stuff. If it was just lupus, maybe... but it's CENTRAL NERVOUS SYSTEM LUPUS, and I'm still not past the first 5 years, yanno, with the 50% survival rate... Then there's the 2 clotting disorders that caused the strokes, giving the CNS lupus a focal point for the seizures, so epilepsy... Now there's fibromyalgia, so constant pain. Add to that, the pre-existing migraines, the reynauds, which means that my fingers, toes, nose, nipples and lips lose blood flow and turn blue when I get cold, and think we're close to done. Plus, memory loss, cognitive impairment, IQ loss, not being able to scuba dive anymore, or play as hard because of the blood thinners, or do breath play, or, or, or...

So, yeah, I'm OK! Damnit! But, I'm not over it, and I don't know that I'm going to be. I don't know if that's the point. If I get over it, and I accept it, then I think that I have to quit too. Because I'm a kinky girl, and calculated risk is something that I agree to live with. So, I have to do a certain percentage of what I want to do, dangerous or no. And then I have to do a certain percentage of resting, which I am not so good at... Ya.

(you never knew what you were getting into when you offered to let me rant did you...lol.)

Thanks sweetheart.

again, much love and light to you. the deep dark places feel a little less scary today, and that's all you. :)