Wednesday, November 24, 2010

The inherencies of being femme

So, I'm seeing someone new.   She's chivalrous, and gallant, and protective, and firm-handed, and so many things that I adore, and that make me weak in the knees.

After she drove for 16 hours to come rescue me when I flipped my car, I found myself needing to wash her clothes, and feed her, and take care of her.  (As well as curl into her, and snuggle under her arm, and hide in her neck).  I know that's my femme-ness coming through, and I know that I would need to do that for her if we were together.

I hate that I got sick.  That I have to pick and choose the things that I can do.  That only some of it is possible.  It's going to be an issue for the rest of my life I think, this back and forth.  Craving the expression of myself, and fighting to be myself, and not being able to do it, and then having to come to terms with my illness(es) over and over again.

*sigh*

I'm saying if... it's only because this is so fast.  It's been seven and a half weeks since she found me, and I'm falling hard.  We've had two dates.  One with a friend of hers, and one when I wrecked my car.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Multi-Lingual

So, I have come to the conclusion that I think in different languages for different things.

I think that my academic language is certainly English, that might not remain true, as my proficiency in Estonian increases once again, but...

My heart language (and again, here's where things just sound better in Estonian) is Estonian.  I can say what I mean about feelings, about thoughts and hopes and dreams, even lacking the complicated vocabulary, and the reclaimed language, and a queer or feminist lexicon, I can explain better what I feel in Estonian, than in English.  In English I am translating in my head.

So, the hours of practice are paying off.  My Emm (Mom) has noticed how much more fluent my Estonian has become, and I notice too.  I'm still without words every (other) sentence, but at least I'm making it through.  Now, t improve my written and reading fluency...  Baby steps.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Crawlspace critter

*** Update ***
It's only a squirrel, and I think that the extermintor managed to blockade it out.  It was pretty peeved with me yesterday, and spent much of the night trying to get back into the crawl.  No dice so far, I'll keep y'all posted.

--------------
Something is living in the crawlspace.  I think it's a rat. I'm less than impressed.  I want to know what it is.   The exterminator came today, and I wasn't home, but I need it dealt with.

I'm worried, I don't want rats.  It's in the floor now.
ew.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

First Snow

There's something about the first snow, how it sits on the trees, and covers the ground, and just makes everthing beautiful, so that when you get up in the morning, everything seems new again.

This is my first snow up here, and it's pretty.

I'd better go buy a snow shovel.

Sunday, November 07, 2010

Following like sheep, and Hiiepäev

Congregation comes from a latin root meaning flock of sheep...

yeah, despite all the "Jesus as the shepherd" stuff, there's the whole, sheep mentality issue.

I just can't get behind a religion.  I'm spiritual. Definitely.  I've been lighting candles for all souls day, inviting the ancestors home.  One night I'll leave food out for them, and then on Dec. 24th, I'll take the candles back to the cemetary, and lead them back "home". 

But I know it's about me making a connection with my roots, and my missing family, and my relatives, and nothing to do with real spirits, or real anything. 

It's the people who believe this stuff that scare me. 

Saturday, November 06, 2010

What's in a name?

I never thought it mattered.  I knew that Estonian was my first language, and that there are certain nuances to thought that only exist for me in it.  I know that it is the language in which I feel most at home, and in which I feel most centered, and, even though I have lost a lot of my vocabulary through disuse, there's a certain sense of home, and comfort, and joy in hearing the familiar lilt of the words, spoken.

What I wasn't prepared for, was the impact of hearing my name, spoken by someone I have a romantic interest in.  Now, my name is fairly similar-sounding, pronounced Anglicized, and in the original Estonian, and you'd have to really listen to hear the difference, but to me, I don't hear my name most of the time, I hear some variation of it.

It wasn't until hearing K say my name on the phone last night, that I felt my insides melt, and my toes curl, and had a moment of thinking that just being able to say my name correctly was a way to really get inside me, to have a direct line to a place right at the heart of me that very few people besides my family ever get to.


 We were joking about names and spellings, and she asked me about hers, and whether I thought it in English, or Estonian in my head, and I said, in Estonian, with an "of course" kind of tone, and then I said it to her.

I could hear her having the same kind of moment, on her end of the phone.  For people who go out into the world and never hear their true names, and who've never heard them spoken on a lover's lips, it's kind of a revelation to hear a love interest call you by your true name, the one you were given as a child, that no one besides family, or Esto community, could ever say, and that got changed by the greater society, for their ease of pronunciation.

Like I said before two strands of my life that have never touched before.  It's interesting.  :)