My house is a mess because I've been on placement. Today isn't enough time to get it cleaned up entirely. I'm not sure I could even do it, but it's hard not to hate myself for not doing it.
I reread the spoon theory today. It's exactly what I'm talking about. having to consciously choose between things, all of which matter to me, in order to be able to keep functioning. So, I sacrifice aspects of my femme appearance to be able to keep up with school work, and I sacrifice aspects of my creative expression to be able to get the housework done, and I sacrifice creativity in dressing in favour of warmth, and pretty soon I don't know who I am anymore. Add that to being tired, working like crazy, and living in a mess because I just barely have time to get things that need to get done, done, like laundry and cooking, and that's been my year.
This is the original, in case it's not what you found:
http://www.butyoudontlooksick.
It's been tough.
I can't always differentiate between whether I'm being lazy, or whether I'm taking needed rest, because I'm used to pushing myself beyond what I can reasonably manage. When I am teaching in school past the point where I can stand up without pain, and I'm doing schoolwork past the point where I can reasonably stay awake, and cleaning and carrying things at a point where my body is in agony, then it's really hard to tell whether my sitting and resting and reading, researching, or actually taking time off, is reasonable, or is avoidance.
I'm getting better at it, trying to rest a reasonable amount, no longer falling asleep on my homework, and going to bed at a reasonable hour, which helps.
One more day to get through. Then finish getting the house ready, taxes done, and enjoy a visit with a friend.
