Friday, June 24, 2011

Day 07 – your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

J,

So, I'm supposed to be writing you a letter, and I still haven't gotten around to it. It's about 18 months now. About a year since we last spoke.

There's lots of stuff that we did wrong.
Myself, I was mean when I got scared, which was often, and I know that being scared doesn't make it OK, but know please that I never meant it to hurt you.
I also tried my best to deny my own disabilities, and was ablist in dealing with yours, so that I was unfair and unhelpful, not offering understanding when you needed it.
I didn't realize I was so mired in my own paradigms of relationships, and I didn't realize that I was looking for a rescuer instead of looking to stand on my own two feet.

There's also lots we did right.
We stood together through some of the worst moments of each other's lives, and some of the best.
We loved each other to the best of our ability.
We tried to make each other happy, and to care for each other.
We tried to care for others, and to build a future for ourselves and those we love.
We did our best to help each other grow, and learn, and be the best people we could be.
We had fun, and played and laughed.

I have some truly wonderful memories of you, and of the time we spent together.  I miss having you as part of my life, and I hope someday that we are able to be friends. 

L.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Day 06 – a stranger

To the beautiful boy with 'I'm Gay' written on his cheeks at T-Bay Pride,

You're awesome! 
It must have taken a lot for you to do that, and it was so brave, and you wore it with such defiance, and such hope. Congratulations!  

I wish for you that life brings you all the happiness that you could wish for, and that people are kind, and gentle towards you, and that you are loved, and cared for, and that your shine is not diminished in any way.

Remembering what it's like to be 20, and so completely excited about being queer. :)

Monday, June 20, 2011

Day 05 - your dreams

So dreams,
you're supposed to be right there, simple and easy to access, why do you keep shifting?

I know what I want to do, but I'm sure that I'm not sufficently talented, not creative enough, not interesting enough, not "great" enough, somehow.  I have things that matter to me, but I'm so afraid of failure, and obstacles seem so insurmountable.  I took my girlfriend's jeedy cat, and all it takes to keep it happy is to play with it a few times a day, and even that seems insurmountable.  What is getting in the way of things for me?  Fear? Is it that simple.

I want to accomplish you, if I can figure out what you are. I want to do things, but I'm researching you to death, and making myself batty trying to decide on the right course of action, and instead of simply getting things underway I'm procrastinating until they are undoable, and then feeling like a failure.

I am afraid of being bored, afraid of stagnation, afraid of being tied down, of rotting in one place, and also afraid of not having any stability. It's such a conundrum.   Lately I want to throw out everything I own. Just get rid of it all. I can't afford to replace any of it, but the truth of the matter is that I don't use most of it either. I'm not the same person. The games are a holdover from being the suburban family I was a part of with J. I like playing games, but apparently, they're not such a big deal to me right now.

I just want to be told what to do, and that's not working so well, because it needs to come from me. What are you? Where are my dreams? Why have you gone missing again? I used to know who I was and what I wanted out of life, and then it got lost, and now it seems cloudy again. I keep parrotting responses, and answers when people ask me things in the hopes that something is going to sound right, and it's all going to fall into place.

I want to create something, to make art, to think, to feel, to breathe, to live. And instead I am inundated by paperwork, and piles, and my fears of failure, and my stress, and my losses, and my financial stress.

OK, so... motorcycle course in July.

Small dreams:
getting my M1 licence
finishing River's quilt
finishing the 2/3 baby bags
learning to adapt to this insane orange cat
sticking to a budget
sending in one piece to the web anthology for Kicked Out. 

Medium size dreams
travelling to more Leather conferences next year
emptying my house of unnecessary things
making some friends here
M2 licence in the summer

Big dreams:
not being so f***ing poor
being able to trust this feeling of being loved, and relax into it
figuring out what I want to do next, and being confident enough to chase it
finally getting to write, like my voice has validity, and not everything has already been said
starting to sew the amazing things in my head
not feeling weighted down by stuff
being able to let people know i love them, fearlessly.

Seemingly impossible dreams:
feeling better, for real, and not being in pain every day
getting my intelligence back

Sunday, June 19, 2011

My heart breaks.

PRIDE in Utah » Another Life Lost To Hatred And Bigotry Another life has been lost to the hatred, bigotry and prejudice of the Mormon Church.

What collossal idiocy! Hating someone over sexual orientation, and declaiming it as a reason to excommunicate from your community, your family, your life.
And yet, this happened to me. I don't talk about it because it's in the context of a lot of other things that I also do not talk about, and it's difficult to maintain the pretext that everything is going to be fine, when, in fact, things just may not.

I'm not complaining in any way about my life, but I'm also, for once, going to link together the threads of intolerance and abuse, bigotry, hatred, class, and race that have plagued my life, and talk for just a moment about something bigger than all of that. 

We have to love our kids. Really. Love Them.  

As a community.  Not in the sense of loving the ones in our family, or the good ones, or the well behaved ones, or the ones from "good families", but all of them, because they are ours.

And not only because these are the people who are going to be taking care of us. Realistically, alzheimers runs in my family, and I have no problem with taking a gun to myself when the time comes, so I'm not worried about that.

These are the people who we are leaving our future to, our children to, our neices and nephews.  

I want the kids I love to grow up without any doubt that no matter what they are like, they will be loved.  I want them to have enough different people in their lives that they have someone to go to for every situation that can arise.  If they can't talk to their parents, I want them to have someone to talk to, if they can't cope at home, I want them to know that there are open arms in at leaast 5 other homes, and safe transport back and forth, and people who will be caring and set rules, and teach them other sets of life skills so they come out of the experience knowing that the world is full of safe havens. 

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Day 04 - your sibling (or closest relative)

C,

It's been great getting to know you this little bit, and I feel like I need to make more of an effort to keep in touch with you. I should, I guess. Things are tainted by my feelings about D. I'm never sure you'd want to hear from me, feel like you've got this great, interesting, fantastic life, and like I keep intruding.

I'm really proud of you. You're an amazing, neat person, and you've done wonderful, cool things with your life, already. It's remarkable.  I'm in awe of what you've accomplished already, and I would love to get to spend more time with you.

I will continue to make an effort, hopefully I'll get to see you one of these days.

L.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Day 03 - Your parents

M,

I love you. I was talking to you last night about your new bed, and I'm so glad you got yourself something nice that you really like. You deserve it.

I know things were bad when I was a kid. I know we come from a family of self-castigators, and nothing is ever right until it's perfect, but really, I didn't try to talk to you about things to hurt you, or to emphasize faults, I just needed the truth, my truth I suppose, to be heard, so that I could be done with it.

I see that you did the best you could, and in so many ways you did an incredible job. I was a lucky kid, in that I got to swim, and craft, and travel, and I have such a lot of great memories of going interesting places, meeting interesting people and doing interesting things.

Thank you for that.

L.

D,

Well, I don't know what to say. You've never really been a part of my life. I used to wish you were, and then I hated you at a distance and was glad you were not, and now I am innured to the idea.  You are who you are, I guess. It hurt for a long time that you had another family that was worth sticking around for, but without knowing the details of it, I'll never know how much that was worth to them either, or whether that was better or worse.  In reality, I suppose, it is quite likely that you were never the parent that I imagined as a child anyhow.

When I wanted a rescuer, and a protector, and a knight in shining armour, you were conspicuously absent. That said, I've had some truly inspiring men in my life, and I would not have traded the opportunities I had of getting to be under thier wings, and in their circles for any chance of being yours if I could go back and do things over again, so in hindsight, I guess things worked out for the best.

L.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Day 02 - your crush

P,

I saw your work this past weekend, and you are so amazing, and so hot, and funny, and playful, and just, wow!

I have a total silly school-kid type crush on you, which is even more ridiculous, since it is my warrior who wants to get to play with you.

I don't really know what else to say. I'm sure you get your fair share of giddy praise and honeyed eloquence from those seeking access to your skills, and I don't want to be just another st*rf*cker.

Of course I want to be special. Want my request for you to give me wings to be unique. My warrior felt, for the first time this year, the muscles that hold his wings in place, and being part of a female-bodied collective, he isn't going to be able to do anything about that, but he'd like a chance to set them free.

I feel like maybe you are someone who could understand that. The warrior likes to test his strength, loves singletails, and would like lasting proof of his valour if at all possible.

Thanks for listening,

L.

Day 01 - your best friend (30 days, 30 letters)

B,

I haven't had a best friend since you. I miss you. I feel like I fucked things up, and I know apologies aren't your thing, so I won't make a drama of it, but I was having this big new relationship /  married / suburban life, and I lost the bond we shared in the process.

I'm not the person I was then anymore. I'm not the person I was in between anymore, either. I tried to be someone assimilating her way into the middle class, and I'm not that, either.

I'm still not exactly sure who I am.

I have a cat now, again, an orange one.

I have a girlfriend too. I think you'd like her. She lives in a cabin in the middle of the woods, and has eschewed modern comforts in favour of economy and simplicity.  Right now she's in the US starting a travelling job, and I miss her.

I miss getting to shop the Goodwill with you, and I miss being catty with you, and I miss just hanging out and playing games and spending time together.

There was a lot about those early years that wasn't so great, but our friendship was one of the highlights.  Thanks for being such an awesome part of my life.

L.