Thursday, August 16, 2012

Back

The runes say to keep journeying forward.

I am terrified.  K an I were talking the other day about a conversation she'd had with a good guy friend of hers the other day about the prevalence of violence in our society, and about how the threat of it is not absent from the lives of men, but that rather than the constant fear of rape, men live with the fear of getting caught in a physical fight that they cannot escape/win.

The conversation she had had was about being physically large and/or intimidating or imposing being something which prevents these fights from starting in the first place, and which, for some women, can be something which prevents sexual assaults, or at least offers a degree of seeming freedom from fear. 

Feeling like one can handle onesself in a fight or altercation offers a degree of protection.

As I enter into the beginning of this, it feels scary to be swapping one set of fears for another.  To go from being a strong woman, to a vulnerable guy.

I'm having a hrd time letting go of the girl. the "pretty face" - so long the only thing about my physicality that anyone was willing to validate - and I'm wondering if there's going to be anything left that anyone will want...

I'm used to being a pair of tits, a hole, a pretty face, a servant, a masochist. -used to trading on the body and the bits for the things I need - respect, honour, love, care, affection, a sense of place and belonging. 

I want a place to belong that has nothing to do with my flesh.

I am tired of waiting on others to tell me when I am finally good enough. Tired of hoping to pass the test enough times, to pass enough times, to finally look good enough,  or fit in enough, or somehow convince others, adn through them, myself that I deserve to be here - wherever that is at any given time.

I have passed as a girl a lot. For the family business, I spent some years as a "nice girl". Coming up north to do a teaching degree, I again passed as "teacher" - long hair, plain makeup, then got a more radical haircut for the Master's degree, but I cant do it.  I don't want to be a woman - never did - I could cope with being a girl, grrl was better, but woman was never something I aspired to or wanted to grow up into. 

 I would have told you that I was ok with being a girl, but that I want to grow up to be something else...