Going away

I accepted an offer to go to school 18 hours away from here. Wow!

Sustaining beliefs

As an atheist, I often wonder, what is the sustaining belief that is left to me?

Higher power? No.

Basic goodness of humankind? No.

Love? Yes.

So, that's the answer. I spent yesterday in the company of friends. It was wonderful. Shared my ice cream cone with the most delightful almost-three-year-old. Listened to music. Went out to dinner. It was magical.

Love.
I wonder if it is going to be enough to get me through this.

A Letter to my ex.

I've been so busy, that there isn't time to ponder this, except in moments here and there, and the answers are as painful as they are illuminating.

I believe I loved you, and that I did the best I could. I believe that you loved me, and that you did the best you could.

I am sorry that I was too ashamed of the contents of my heart to show it to you. I am sorry that I couldn't let you be. I am sorry that I never understood that feelings simply are, and do not need anything more than to be accepted, and felt. I am sorry for searching for meaning in triviality, and not in life. I am sorry for leaning on you, and then blaming you for not being enough.

I am sorry that we didn't have a relationship based on taking care of ourselves, and caring for each other.

There's lots to be sorry for, but I really couldn't do anything other than what I was doing at the time, and I am working on my own healing, just as fast as I can.

I'd like to say that I wish you would be waiting for me on the other side of this journey, and I really hope you will. 15 years is not a minor chunk of life, and I'm not sorry to have spent it with you. You're a fantastic wonderful person, and I commend you for your courage, and your strength, and your determination, not only to survive, but to succeed, and to thrive.

Breakups are awful. This one is exceedingly painful. My heart aches almost constantly, over things done and not done, love not spoken, and too many harsh words that I wish I had left unsaid.

Two nights in a row of good friends, and good community. I've really missed my life. First one, hanging out and playing party games with my Leather family, and some awesome friends of theirs.
Second one, reconnecting with an old friend, and some friends of hers, being part of her drum circle, and getting to feel that connection, and the love and joy and caring.

I want to learn to be someone who brings that energy.

I have missed the company of womyn. I have missed the company of queers. I have missed the company of other people.

Time Out

I think that it is time for me to take a break from his blog until I have some better perspective on things.