Days Off.

So yesterday was an awesome day. We went kayaking for an hour and a half, hiked a bit to have a look at a kettle lake. Cleaned up the garage, or at least got a start on it, and scrounged a bunch of great rocks and boulders from a local dirt pile. So, now the tree in the front has a gorgeous rock edging. It looks great, and doing it was lots of fun, and reminded me of getting to do gardening at the cottage with Granny. I really miss her. And VanaIsa, and the cottage, and, well... no point going there.

We need so many rocks for the backyard it isn't even a joke. I know we're going to have to buy some, but I want a bit more variety than just the (industrial filler) "granite pebble 1"-8" mix."

This summer has not been nice enough to get the pool in yet, and we're both getting cranky. Because we're working around work, and the schedules of our guys, it's even more impossible. Every other day is rain, and all we do is plug in the pump to drain out the pool. Sheesh! In fact, I'm off to do that now.

On the other hand, we have been working out a lot of our personal issues, and it is serious rough going. Really, painful and difficult. All I can say is that if we make it out of this alive and married, we will be in a position to offer marital counselling to just about anyone.

Spouse One has a great big secret, and I'm super proud of her. We'll have to see how it goes, but just the fact that she's going for it is pretty impressive.

again with the crazy

Once again I'm feeling really overwhelmed. There's nothing but crises at work, and with Spouse One's parents. I'm still sick. Now it looks like I have the usual bronchitis, but what with the lupus it's something to be concerned about I suppose.

I need a vacation. A few days off up North somewhere.

The pool is still not in. I have no idea when it will be done, or even IF it is going to get done, and I'm getting tired of dealing with it. It needs to stop raining and give us 2 weeks to get finished.

In tears.

Been a rough while.

So I have systemic lupus.
With central nervous system involvement.
Which relates to my migraines.
I've had strokes.
And seizures.
And hallucinations.
I have a 50% chance of living through the next 5 years.
I have a coagulation disorder and will have to take anticoagulants for the rest of my life.

The family biz where we both work is in trouble, and I don't think it's going to make it through the next year. But how will I get another job, being this stupidly sick. So far this year I've been in Emerg. five times, spent a week in hospital and had several dozen doctors appointments, and blood tests at least once a week. It's so great that I live in Canada, but how will I get a job.

How will we live? What will happen to us?

On some level I want to sell the house and spend the next five years traveling around North America.

Today I had a wierd crazy hallucination. Either it was a minor seizure in itself, or it was the aura for a larger one...if so then either I have managed to head the big one off, or it is yet to come. I felt wierd this morning, then the hallucination, and then a big fat headache. I know it's partly related to being menstrual, and to the insane weather, but it still sucks. Now I have taken the pill combo that fixes my headaches, but I have to watch out for stomach bleeding, what with the blood thinners and all...

Haircuts

I need a haircut. Urgently. And I want one that's cooler than I am, which I am aware, thank you very much, is kind of sad, and yet I still want it.

Lately I've been getting my hair cut by a mormon lady in her basement. She's cheap, but kind of far away, and does a great job of "nice hair", which is what I've been wanting . It's made working in the family business a lot easier. My previous chelsea used to frighten customers, so growing it out into something 'normal' made it easier.

Now that we're on our way out of here I want something cool again. I still want long enough hair to be able to braid it, but I want something that I don't have to wear up in a clip all day.

Especially as a fat girl, cool hair has always been an essential. I grew up in the 80s when there wasn't any sort of cool clothing available for fat girls, and I had to work my ass off to look cool in an assortment of individually uncool pieces. Cool hair was the way to pull the whole look together.

Then I came out as queer, and immediately spent the next 10 years with various versions of punk hair, multicoloured, or just brightly coloured, and ranging from a 'hawk to spikes, to the long-adored chelsea.

Now I want something in-between. Not so completely antisocial as a chelsea, but not the church hair I've been sporting either. And some colour would be nice.

it burns, it burns

Some of my friends are devolving into xtians, with all the accompanying hypocrisy, bullshit, and dishonesty. Most of the rest are already xtians.

I need new friends.