Day 05 - your dreams

So dreams,
you're supposed to be right there, simple and easy to access, why do you keep shifting?

I know what I want to do, but I'm sure that I'm not sufficently talented, not creative enough, not interesting enough, not "great" enough, somehow.  I have things that matter to me, but I'm so afraid of failure, and obstacles seem so insurmountable.  I took my girlfriend's jeedy cat, and all it takes to keep it happy is to play with it a few times a day, and even that seems insurmountable.  What is getting in the way of things for me?  Fear? Is it that simple.

I want to accomplish you, if I can figure out what you are. I want to do things, but I'm researching you to death, and making myself batty trying to decide on the right course of action, and instead of simply getting things underway I'm procrastinating until they are undoable, and then feeling like a failure.

I am afraid of being bored, afraid of stagnation, afraid of being tied down, of rotting in one place, and also afraid of not having any stability. It's such a conundrum.   Lately I want to throw out everything I own. Just get rid of it all. I can't afford to replace any of it, but the truth of the matter is that I don't use most of it either. I'm not the same person. The games are a holdover from being the suburban family I was a part of with J. I like playing games, but apparently, they're not such a big deal to me right now.

I just want to be told what to do, and that's not working so well, because it needs to come from me. What are you? Where are my dreams? Why have you gone missing again? I used to know who I was and what I wanted out of life, and then it got lost, and now it seems cloudy again. I keep parrotting responses, and answers when people ask me things in the hopes that something is going to sound right, and it's all going to fall into place.

I want to create something, to make art, to think, to feel, to breathe, to live. And instead I am inundated by paperwork, and piles, and my fears of failure, and my stress, and my losses, and my financial stress.

OK, so... motorcycle course in July.

Small dreams:
getting my M1 licence
finishing River's quilt
finishing the 2/3 baby bags
learning to adapt to this insane orange cat
sticking to a budget
sending in one piece to the web anthology for Kicked Out. 

Medium size dreams
travelling to more Leather conferences next year
emptying my house of unnecessary things
making some friends here
M2 licence in the summer

Big dreams:
not being so f***ing poor
being able to trust this feeling of being loved, and relax into it
figuring out what I want to do next, and being confident enough to chase it
finally getting to write, like my voice has validity, and not everything has already been said
starting to sew the amazing things in my head
not feeling weighted down by stuff
being able to let people know i love them, fearlessly.

Seemingly impossible dreams:
feeling better, for real, and not being in pain every day
getting my intelligence back