Day 17 – someone from your childhood

A,

You blamed me. For being molested by your brother. For being sexually precocious when I was, in fact only curious. Heaped on me the rage and shame and anger that I can only presume you felt about your own daughter's sexual activity.

I know you were a friend of my mother's, and she left me with you when she was feeling overwhelmed.  Being trapped and then interrogated by you, until I invented stories of sexual sins sufficient to satisfy the fevered imaginings of you and your husband was a regular part of my life, and I do not remember much from that time beyond perplexity, guilt, shame, and fear.

Why you felt a need to terrorize me was, and is, unknown.

In the story of my life, there is much that is incomprehensible.  Being held hostage by evangelicals while forced to confess to sexual depravities when I had never done so much as kiss a boy is one of the more difficult ones to explain.

I wished you dead for many years.  Dreamed it. Hoped it. Prayed it when I still held to a belief in god.

You saw nothing wrong, still do not, I imagine.  I pity your children. And your grandchildren. Can only imagine the shame and fear and self-hate that you passed on to them. 

L.

Day 16 – someone that’s not in your state/country

R,

We haven't talked in 18 years almost.  I have no idea what you're doing.  I wrote you the other day on 'the face'.  I hope you write back.  I hope you are well, and happy.  It sounds like you are somewhere nice at least. 

I feel like I am maybe settling into who I am supposed to be, which is a strange thing to be accomplishing at 38, but I'm glad to be here, and I'm happy.

I missed such a lot of your life.  So much seemed unreal to me, and because of the relatedness to D, I let my anger at him get in the way of getting to know you. I'm sorry for that.  I could have been someone useful to you, and I wasn't.

All the best,

me

Day 15 – the person you miss the most

M,

We talk a lot, but it's not enough, and I miss you.  The companionable silences, getting to hang out, and be around, getting to just do stuff together.  I'd like to live near you again someday, so that it's not so hard.  Skype isn't something I can just call you up and knit at you on, yanno?

I'd like to be able to go for coffee, or come round and see the kids, or take them somewhere.  I miss that easy familiarity of being nearby.  I've missed a big pile of your life, because of being broken, and from being crazy, not that that's going to change much, but healing is something that changes, right?

It was so nice to see you this summer.  I have missed you. I'm glad to be around you again, and I'm looking forward to more time like that. 

Love you,

me.

Day 14 – someone you’ve drifted away from

Dear L,

I'm going to have to mellow my stance on religion.  My rigid atheism, and your changing stance on faith is straining our friendship, and it hurts.

I don't want to.  I don't believe in faith, I still see it as something that people use to help themselves to feel better about their place in the world, and I wish that there was more self-awareness about that.

All things being said, though, I really want to be a part of your life, and arguing with you, and those around me about faith isn't really part of what I want to spend my time doing.

I need to talk about this stuff as theory though. Thanks.  Even conversing with you in a letter is enlightening.  I miss you.

L.

Day 13 - Someone you wish could forgive you

D, my chosen big sister,

You won't respond to messages on facebook or emails.  I suppose I could try to call you, but I don't know how to find you, and I imagine that you are not much interested in talking to me.  It's sad, as I really miss you.  I don't know exactly what went wrong.  I know that I was a judgmental idiot.  That much I realize, I didn't mean to make you feel bad, and I didn't have a leg to stand on, as I was a pothead criticizing you for drinking.  I only saw one of those things  as self-destructive, and there's a saying, certainly, about eyes and sticks... 

In any event, there was more going on than that.  I was in the middle of drowning myself in a relationship, and one of the rules was not to talk about it, which made my friendship with you, where we shared everything, even girlfriends, kind of impossible. 

I'd love to tell you about my life.  Share the things that have changed.  It's so much more interesting now. 

I've tried to keep tabs on where you are at over the years, maybe i will try to get together when I am next in the city.  It would be good to see you.

L.

Day 12 - The person you hate most / caused you a lot of pain

I don't hate anyone. I certainly used to.

I hated my father for abandoning me, I hated my mother for being there, I hated the kids in my class for bullying me, and for being rich and white, and thin, and not being different, like I was.

I hated myself for being different, for not fitting in, for not making sense, for not being thin, and pretty, and "normal", and for not being either Elizabeth or Jessica, depending on the day or my mood.  (If you're an 80s girl you'll get the reference).

I hated the church, and christians, I would have to say I still hate religion.

I don't hate individuals though, except in moments of passion, when my ability to reason becomes overwhelmed.  That is a good thing.  I don't want to hate anyone.

People cause pain, but pain is a part of existence.

Day 11 - A deceased person you wish you could talk to

Granny,

I wish I could talk to you. I wish there was some way I could have come out to you (and Vana Isa). I wish I could have talked to you about things, like being crazy, and fashion, and what things were really like for you. I know you wouldn't have talked to me about them, because you had so much of what they used to call "class", and what we would now term stoicism.

You must have hurt so badly, and you were a victim of misogyny, and the patriarchal medical establishment, and buerocracy, and yet I remember you as being so wonderful, and beautiful, and fancy, and comforting, and elegant, and kind.

I also remember you being very regulated and regimented, like many people from that generation, keeping your demons at bay with a whole series of rules, designed to maintain safety and illusions.

I wonder.  And I miss you.

L.

Day 10 - Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to

Dear L,

I miss you. I miss talking to you, and just hanging out. We make sense to each other in lots of ways, and I miss having someone who gets those weird neurotic parts of me. You're also lots of fun.

I miss getting to just hang out.  Proximity was great for that, because being closer meant that we could just get together without it having to be for something, and I miss that too.  Being so far away kind of sucks.

I need a big dose of just hanging out and doing nothing much together.  Cooking, cleaning, whatever.  I feel like you're a good influence on me, and I miss that too.

Hugs,

Me.

Day 09 - Someone you wish you could meet

It's authors, really, and family members. 

Douglas Adams, except he's dead, so I don't want to meet him anymore, all decayed, and Stephen Fry, because I'd love to talk to him, and Patrick Califia, who is such a hero, and I'm sure just a person, albeit an incredible one.

I'd like to talk to my father's mom, who I never met, and Granny's mom, and I'd like to be able to come out to my grandparents, and have them understand.

On my more whimsical days I'd like to meet a cat, and really understand it, or a bird, or a fish, or whatever.

I would have said it was Richard Dawkins, but this whole *"sexism doesn't exist or matter in the western world because opression is so much bigger elsewhere", delivered in sarcastic condescension, just got my back up, and I'm not certain that we, as atheists need to be antagonizing each other as well as everybody else.

So, I'd like to meet some of these people instead, thanks all the same.

Cheers,

me

Day 08 - Your favorite internet friend

Dear 'french girl',

Your blogs have kept me laughing, crying, empathizing, terrified with worry, and wondering how you are for years now, and I don't think I've met you more than that once, years ago, when I shook your hand at a party.

We were both insanely young, and I doubt you remember me.  I was with someone else, and you were too, and it was a whole lifetime ago.

I have been so inspired by you.  You keep going despite living through hell, repeatedly, and you just have this incredible spark, and sparkle to you.  I hope you know that. I hope you know how much you mean to people, even if they're just some random grrl, half a country away.

I'm glad you're doing ok, again.  It's been a tough while, and I know what that's like.  You're amazing, and I know you're going to come out on top of things, there's no way that you could fail to succeed, how could you?  You're devastatingly smart, and gorgeous, and you'll make a fantastic go of it.

So, that's it.  My semi-anonymous pep-talk, to you,

Hugs,

Me.

Day 07 – your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

J,

So, I'm supposed to be writing you a letter, and I still haven't gotten around to it. It's about 18 months now. About a year since we last spoke.

There's lots of stuff that we did wrong.
Myself, I was mean when I got scared, which was often, and I know that being scared doesn't make it OK, but know please that I never meant it to hurt you.
I also tried my best to deny my own disabilities, and was ablist in dealing with yours, so that I was unfair and unhelpful, not offering understanding when you needed it.
I didn't realize I was so mired in my own paradigms of relationships, and I didn't realize that I was looking for a rescuer instead of looking to stand on my own two feet.

There's also lots we did right.
We stood together through some of the worst moments of each other's lives, and some of the best.
We loved each other to the best of our ability.
We tried to make each other happy, and to care for each other.
We tried to care for others, and to build a future for ourselves and those we love.
We did our best to help each other grow, and learn, and be the best people we could be.
We had fun, and played and laughed.

I have some truly wonderful memories of you, and of the time we spent together.  I miss having you as part of my life, and I hope someday that we are able to be friends. 

L.

Day 06 – a stranger

To the beautiful boy with 'I'm Gay' written on his cheeks at T-Bay Pride,

You're awesome! 
It must have taken a lot for you to do that, and it was so brave, and you wore it with such defiance, and such hope. Congratulations!  

I wish for you that life brings you all the happiness that you could wish for, and that people are kind, and gentle towards you, and that you are loved, and cared for, and that your shine is not diminished in any way.

Remembering what it's like to be 20, and so completely excited about being queer. :)

Day 05 - your dreams

So dreams,
you're supposed to be right there, simple and easy to access, why do you keep shifting?

I know what I want to do, but I'm sure that I'm not sufficently talented, not creative enough, not interesting enough, not "great" enough, somehow.  I have things that matter to me, but I'm so afraid of failure, and obstacles seem so insurmountable.  I took my girlfriend's jeedy cat, and all it takes to keep it happy is to play with it a few times a day, and even that seems insurmountable.  What is getting in the way of things for me?  Fear? Is it that simple.

I want to accomplish you, if I can figure out what you are. I want to do things, but I'm researching you to death, and making myself batty trying to decide on the right course of action, and instead of simply getting things underway I'm procrastinating until they are undoable, and then feeling like a failure.

I am afraid of being bored, afraid of stagnation, afraid of being tied down, of rotting in one place, and also afraid of not having any stability. It's such a conundrum.   Lately I want to throw out everything I own. Just get rid of it all. I can't afford to replace any of it, but the truth of the matter is that I don't use most of it either. I'm not the same person. The games are a holdover from being the suburban family I was a part of with J. I like playing games, but apparently, they're not such a big deal to me right now.

I just want to be told what to do, and that's not working so well, because it needs to come from me. What are you? Where are my dreams? Why have you gone missing again? I used to know who I was and what I wanted out of life, and then it got lost, and now it seems cloudy again. I keep parrotting responses, and answers when people ask me things in the hopes that something is going to sound right, and it's all going to fall into place.

I want to create something, to make art, to think, to feel, to breathe, to live. And instead I am inundated by paperwork, and piles, and my fears of failure, and my stress, and my losses, and my financial stress.

OK, so... motorcycle course in July.

Small dreams:
getting my M1 licence
finishing River's quilt
finishing the 2/3 baby bags
learning to adapt to this insane orange cat
sticking to a budget
sending in one piece to the web anthology for Kicked Out. 

Medium size dreams
travelling to more Leather conferences next year
emptying my house of unnecessary things
making some friends here
M2 licence in the summer

Big dreams:
not being so f***ing poor
being able to trust this feeling of being loved, and relax into it
figuring out what I want to do next, and being confident enough to chase it
finally getting to write, like my voice has validity, and not everything has already been said
starting to sew the amazing things in my head
not feeling weighted down by stuff
being able to let people know i love them, fearlessly.

Seemingly impossible dreams:
feeling better, for real, and not being in pain every day
getting my intelligence back

Day 04 - your sibling (or closest relative)

C,

It's been great getting to know you this little bit, and I feel like I need to make more of an effort to keep in touch with you. I should, I guess. Things are tainted by my feelings about D. I'm never sure you'd want to hear from me, feel like you've got this great, interesting, fantastic life, and like I keep intruding.

I'm really proud of you. You're an amazing, neat person, and you've done wonderful, cool things with your life, already. It's remarkable.  I'm in awe of what you've accomplished already, and I would love to get to spend more time with you.

I will continue to make an effort, hopefully I'll get to see you one of these days.

L.

Day 03 - Your parents

M,

I love you. I was talking to you last night about your new bed, and I'm so glad you got yourself something nice that you really like. You deserve it.

I know things were bad when I was a kid. I know we come from a family of self-castigators, and nothing is ever right until it's perfect, but really, I didn't try to talk to you about things to hurt you, or to emphasize faults, I just needed the truth, my truth I suppose, to be heard, so that I could be done with it.

I see that you did the best you could, and in so many ways you did an incredible job. I was a lucky kid, in that I got to swim, and craft, and travel, and I have such a lot of great memories of going interesting places, meeting interesting people and doing interesting things.

Thank you for that.

L.

D,

Well, I don't know what to say. You've never really been a part of my life. I used to wish you were, and then I hated you at a distance and was glad you were not, and now I am innured to the idea.  You are who you are, I guess. It hurt for a long time that you had another family that was worth sticking around for, but without knowing the details of it, I'll never know how much that was worth to them either, or whether that was better or worse.  In reality, I suppose, it is quite likely that you were never the parent that I imagined as a child anyhow.

When I wanted a rescuer, and a protector, and a knight in shining armour, you were conspicuously absent. That said, I've had some truly inspiring men in my life, and I would not have traded the opportunities I had of getting to be under thier wings, and in their circles for any chance of being yours if I could go back and do things over again, so in hindsight, I guess things worked out for the best.

L.

Day 02 - your crush

P,

I saw your work this past weekend, and you are so amazing, and so hot, and funny, and playful, and just, wow!

I have a total silly school-kid type crush on you, which is even more ridiculous, since it is my warrior who wants to get to play with you.

I don't really know what else to say. I'm sure you get your fair share of giddy praise and honeyed eloquence from those seeking access to your skills, and I don't want to be just another st*rf*cker.

Of course I want to be special. Want my request for you to give me wings to be unique. My warrior felt, for the first time this year, the muscles that hold his wings in place, and being part of a female-bodied collective, he isn't going to be able to do anything about that, but he'd like a chance to set them free.

I feel like maybe you are someone who could understand that. The warrior likes to test his strength, loves singletails, and would like lasting proof of his valour if at all possible.

Thanks for listening,

L.

Day 01 - your best friend (30 days, 30 letters)

B,

I haven't had a best friend since you. I miss you. I feel like I fucked things up, and I know apologies aren't your thing, so I won't make a drama of it, but I was having this big new relationship /  married / suburban life, and I lost the bond we shared in the process.

I'm not the person I was then anymore. I'm not the person I was in between anymore, either. I tried to be someone assimilating her way into the middle class, and I'm not that, either.

I'm still not exactly sure who I am.

I have a cat now, again, an orange one.

I have a girlfriend too. I think you'd like her. She lives in a cabin in the middle of the woods, and has eschewed modern comforts in favour of economy and simplicity.  Right now she's in the US starting a travelling job, and I miss her.

I miss getting to shop the Goodwill with you, and I miss being catty with you, and I miss just hanging out and playing games and spending time together.

There was a lot about those early years that wasn't so great, but our friendship was one of the highlights.  Thanks for being such an awesome part of my life.

L.

30 days, 30 letters

So, this is going around, and it seems like a worthwhile timewaster/ writing exercise.

Day 01 - your best friend
Day 02 - your crush
Day 03 – your parents
Day 04 – your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 05 – your dreams
Day 06 – a stranger
Day 07 – your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 08 – your favourite internet friend
Day 09 – someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 – someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 - a deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 – the person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 – someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 – someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 – the person you miss the most
Day 16 – someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 – someone from your childhood
Day 18 – the person that you wish you could be
Day 19 – someone that pesters your mind, good or bad
Day 20 – the one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 – someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 – someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 – the last person you kissed
Day 24 – the person that gave you your favourite memory
Day 25 – the person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 – the last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 – the friendliest person you only knew for one day
Day 28 – someone that changed your mind
Day 29 - the person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 – your reflection in the mirror