Monday, October 06, 2008

NoLose, finally

So I came out of NoLose feeling different, but not exactly able to define how, and it's taken a long time to get to a place where I can figure that out.

I went to NoLose prepared to be there on my own terms. I brought my laptop, so that I'd have stuff to do. I planned not to stay up all night, because I have Lupus, and can't get too tired, and I brought some cute clothes, but nothing too showy or "out there" because that's not where I've been lately.

It was an incredible experience to be somewhere where it wasn't ok for people to hate me because I am fat. Where I wasn't automatically the fattest person. Where people didn't automatically feel like it was OK to judge me about what I was eating beacause I am fat.

I was surprised to find that I came out of a fat-positive, lesbian-positive space determined to lose weight. I remember how I felt when I was 80 lbs fatter and I could hardly move, and I know how I feel now with the Lupus attacking me all over the place, the days I can't get out of bed from the pain, and I want to do everything I can to lessen the effects of that. I think it only makes sense that carrying less weight around has to make it easier on my joints.

I really don't think that I am making that as a judgement about anyone else. It is solely a decision for me, about me, and that's as it should be. Everyone should be entitled to make whatever decision they want to for themself about their bodies. There is such a lot of hate in our culture about fat, and that's such an arbitrary thing, because really, most people can't do all that much about their body shape or size. In my family about half the people are somewhere between 200 and 300 lbs, and the other half are somewhere between 100 and 150. And that's true of the whole of my mom's side of the family, all the women.... I really do come by it honestly. I don't know where I'm going to get to, in terms of the weight loss, but even 20 lbs seems to make a difference where my knees are concerned, so I figureI'll start with that.