Monday, October 06, 2008

NoLose, finally

So I came out of NoLose feeling different, but not exactly able to define how, and it's taken a long time to get to a place where I can figure that out.

I went to NoLose prepared to be there on my own terms. I brought my laptop, so that I'd have stuff to do. I planned not to stay up all night, because I have Lupus, and can't get too tired, and I brought some cute clothes, but nothing too showy or "out there" because that's not where I've been lately.

It was an incredible experience to be somewhere where it wasn't ok for people to hate me because I am fat. Where I wasn't automatically the fattest person. Where people didn't automatically feel like it was OK to judge me about what I was eating beacause I am fat.

I was surprised to find that I came out of a fat-positive, lesbian-positive space determined to lose weight. I remember how I felt when I was 80 lbs fatter and I could hardly move, and I know how I feel now with the Lupus attacking me all over the place, the days I can't get out of bed from the pain, and I want to do everything I can to lessen the effects of that. I think it only makes sense that carrying less weight around has to make it easier on my joints.

I really don't think that I am making that as a judgement about anyone else. It is solely a decision for me, about me, and that's as it should be. Everyone should be entitled to make whatever decision they want to for themself about their bodies. There is such a lot of hate in our culture about fat, and that's such an arbitrary thing, because really, most people can't do all that much about their body shape or size. In my family about half the people are somewhere between 200 and 300 lbs, and the other half are somewhere between 100 and 150. And that's true of the whole of my mom's side of the family, all the women.... I really do come by it honestly. I don't know where I'm going to get to, in terms of the weight loss, but even 20 lbs seems to make a difference where my knees are concerned, so I figureI'll start with that.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

New Blog

So I started a new blog to contain the upcoming ranting and whinging about my need to lose weight again. It is time, it is just hard, and there's a lot of decision making about how to go about it this time. I still don't know if anyone reads this blog, but if you do, and you want to know about my upcoming weight-loss struggles it is here

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Hair again

I got a flat iron from the local fashion discount store. I'm so pleased about it. I was worried that it wouldn't work well, since the one I really want is $250, and this one was regular $80, discounted to $40, but it's perfectly fine.

I've also been acquiring some new earrings, different silicone plugs and earskins, so I have some more variety in my jewellery. The earskins are nice since I can wear them, and then wear some of my regular earrings hanging through them. I wore my opals to a nephew's birthday party this past weekend with some clear earskins, and was quite pleased with the result. Next on the list is some glass plugs. There's lots of great stuff out there, and I need me some of it. Mushroom plugs, and space scene plugs, and dangly things, and, well, all of it. So far I've been very restrained.

I was just thinking that it's funny how this journal was supposed to be about my atheism, and it has turned out to be about me.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

A Brief Escape

Got to spend part of last week up north in Algonquin. It was fantastic. 5 hours ofkayaking every day, and best of all some friends of ours were up there, and we got to spend a bunch of time with them, which was really great. It was exciting to have company swimming across the lake, and fun to hang out. Spouse One injured her ankle, so it looks like we're both off driving for a while. Wonder how that's going to go.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Days Off.

So yesterday was an awesome day. We went kayaking for an hour and a half, hiked a bit to have a look at a kettle lake. Cleaned up the garage, or at least got a start on it, and scrounged a bunch of great rocks and boulders from a local dirt pile. So, now the tree in the front has a gorgeous rock edging. It looks great, and doing it was lots of fun, and reminded me of getting to do gardening at the cottage with Granny. I really miss her. And VanaIsa, and the cottage, and, well... no point going there.

We need so many rocks for the backyard it isn't even a joke. I know we're going to have to buy some, but I want a bit more variety than just the (industrial filler) "granite pebble 1"-8" mix."

This summer has not been nice enough to get the pool in yet, and we're both getting cranky. Because we're working around work, and the schedules of our guys, it's even more impossible. Every other day is rain, and all we do is plug in the pump to drain out the pool. Sheesh! In fact, I'm off to do that now.

On the other hand, we have been working out a lot of our personal issues, and it is serious rough going. Really, painful and difficult. All I can say is that if we make it out of this alive and married, we will be in a position to offer marital counselling to just about anyone.

Spouse One has a great big secret, and I'm super proud of her. We'll have to see how it goes, but just the fact that she's going for it is pretty impressive.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

again with the crazy

Once again I'm feeling really overwhelmed. There's nothing but crises at work, and with Spouse One's parents. I'm still sick. Now it looks like I have the usual bronchitis, but what with the lupus it's something to be concerned about I suppose.

I need a vacation. A few days off up North somewhere.

The pool is still not in. I have no idea when it will be done, or even IF it is going to get done, and I'm getting tired of dealing with it. It needs to stop raining and give us 2 weeks to get finished.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

In tears.

Been a rough while.

So I have systemic lupus.
With central nervous system involvement.
Which relates to my migraines.
I've had strokes.
And seizures.
And hallucinations.
I have a 50% chance of living through the next 5 years.
I have a coagulation disorder and will have to take anticoagulants for the rest of my life.

The family biz where we both work is in trouble, and I don't think it's going to make it through the next year. But how will I get another job, being this stupidly sick. So far this year I've been in Emerg. five times, spent a week in hospital and had several dozen doctors appointments, and blood tests at least once a week. It's so great that I live in Canada, but how will I get a job.

How will we live? What will happen to us?

On some level I want to sell the house and spend the next five years traveling around North America.

Today I had a wierd crazy hallucination. Either it was a minor seizure in itself, or it was the aura for a larger one...if so then either I have managed to head the big one off, or it is yet to come. I felt wierd this morning, then the hallucination, and then a big fat headache. I know it's partly related to being menstrual, and to the insane weather, but it still sucks. Now I have taken the pill combo that fixes my headaches, but I have to watch out for stomach bleeding, what with the blood thinners and all...

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Haircuts

I need a haircut. Urgently. And I want one that's cooler than I am, which I am aware, thank you very much, is kind of sad, and yet I still want it.

Lately I've been getting my hair cut by a mormon lady in her basement. She's cheap, but kind of far away, and does a great job of "nice hair", which is what I've been wanting . It's made working in the family business a lot easier. My previous chelsea used to frighten customers, so growing it out into something 'normal' made it easier.

Now that we're on our way out of here I want something cool again. I still want long enough hair to be able to braid it, but I want something that I don't have to wear up in a clip all day.

Especially as a fat girl, cool hair has always been an essential. I grew up in the 80s when there wasn't any sort of cool clothing available for fat girls, and I had to work my ass off to look cool in an assortment of individually uncool pieces. Cool hair was the way to pull the whole look together.

Then I came out as queer, and immediately spent the next 10 years with various versions of punk hair, multicoloured, or just brightly coloured, and ranging from a 'hawk to spikes, to the long-adored chelsea.

Now I want something in-between. Not so completely antisocial as a chelsea, but not the church hair I've been sporting either. And some colour would be nice.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

it burns, it burns

Some of my friends are devolving into xtians, with all the accompanying hypocrisy, bullshit, and dishonesty. Most of the rest are already xtians.

I need new friends.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Encore de l'Angoisse Métaphysique

I'm having another phase of wanting to tell the Universe "enough!"

My Aunt and cousin are forcing the sale of the cottage, and we don't have the money to buy them out, so a whole huge part of my life is just suddenly going to be gone.

*2011 edit* I do realize that this was just my perspective at the time, and I was angry, and hurt, and sad. The world changes so incredibly much, and I wanted things to be someone's fault, I guess. *end edit*

I can't even talk to them, because it's so stupid. After capital gains, and tax, and everything they'll be lucky to come out with 70K, and no way in hell is 70K going to solve anyone's life. They think it's going to get them a new house, and cars, and boats, and the life they've always dreamed of. My cousin (and hubby) are 24 so I can see where she might think so, but her mom ought to know better.

It's the place where the family gets together. It's winterized. It's rented in the summer and covers it's own expenses pretty much. It's on a nice lake...AND it's completely paid for. Nevermind the fact that my grandparents who left them the cottage most certainly did not intend for them to sell it to buy a house. The point was that it should be a place for the family to be together outside in nature.

Also, it's the only place that really ever felt like home to me, so it's like losing my grandparents and my safe place and everything all over again.

So that's the first thing.

Next, I've been having all kinds of migraines this fall and winter, and on New Year's Eve had a seizure for the first time ever. Now I'm waiting to see a neurologist, and there's been some rather frightening talk of having seen "something - no big deal" on the CT scan of my brain. Excuse me, but that's my brain. I'm using that, and need to know everything about how it's doing.

The result is that I'm on new medication, seeing a lot more of doctors and hospitals that I'd like to be, and trying to find some way to force them to give me the MRI sooner than a month, so I can know what's going on. As a side bonus, I am also now not allowed to drive for 3 months, so suburban life is rather more hellish. This morning I want nothing more than to just be able to get out of the house, and yet, without a car I'm stuck with walking to a convenience store as my only option, and that's a 20 minute walk. (Spouse One has declined my offer to get up and entertain me by taking me somewhere.)