Thursday, September 22, 2011

One step further

I'm getting there. Slowly, surely. making my way towards this thing called sanity. Obviously I'm not, and I'm never going to be, but I'm working my way through the paralyzing fear of being an impostor here.  I know that I can do this stuff. Yes - I need some help. Yes - I need some guidance. But, really, I can do it. I belong in academia. I just need to figure out how to get all the reading done.

Thursday, September 08, 2011

Day 14 – someone you’ve drifted away from

Dear L,

I'm going to have to mellow my stance on religion.  My rigid atheism, and your changing stance on faith is straining our friendship, and it hurts.

I don't want to.  I don't believe in faith, I still see it as something that people use to help themselves to feel better about their place in the world, and I wish that there was more self-awareness about that.

All things being said, though, I really want to be a part of your life, and arguing with you, and those around me about faith isn't really part of what I want to spend my time doing.

I need to talk about this stuff as theory though. Thanks.  Even conversing with you in a letter is enlightening.  I miss you.

L.

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

Undocumented Life, or, a lack of photographic evidence

From this 12 months that is ending I do not have a thousand photographs proving that good things have happened to me. 

I do not have many photographs from this year at all. 

I still carry my camera with me at all times, but there has not been a tendency to reach for it when things happen.  Instead, there has been a conscious thought that I am living my life, rather than documenting it. 

I have had fantastically beautiful drives along the north road at sunrise, sunset, and under the full moon. 

I have seen moose, deer, bear, wild cat (lynx or bobcat with cubs), rabbits, hawks, bats, eagles, dragonflies, chipmunks, red squirrels, and caterpillars.

I have driven along the north and west shores of Lake Superior, and watched the sun  and moon rise and set, and seen the moon glitter over the Sleeping Giant.

I have been camping in Algonquin Park, and lain on a bench with my love watching the trees and the clouds and the sky dance together.

I have seen rainbows, tornado clouds, hurricane winds, fallen trees, torrential rain, flooded roads and tents, and been issued weather warnings by Rangers in Provincial and State parks.

I have driven with kayaks, and a sofa on the car.

I have listened to the sound of wind and waves while sleeping in my car at Lake Superior Park.

I have been loved and missed by my friends, and I have loved and missed my friends.

I have been welcomed as family, by those who love me.

I have made new friends, and experienced the wonder of sitting in a river in the heat of summer.

I have caught up with family, and found that I was lost.

I have calmed down.

I have fallen in love.

I have grieved.

I have come home.

It has been an interesting year.

Day 13 - Someone you wish could forgive you

D, my chosen big sister,

You won't respond to messages on facebook or emails.  I suppose I could try to call you, but I don't know how to find you, and I imagine that you are not much interested in talking to me.  It's sad, as I really miss you.  I don't know exactly what went wrong.  I know that I was a judgmental idiot.  That much I realize, I didn't mean to make you feel bad, and I didn't have a leg to stand on, as I was a pothead criticizing you for drinking.  I only saw one of those things  as self-destructive, and there's a saying, certainly, about eyes and sticks... 

In any event, there was more going on than that.  I was in the middle of drowning myself in a relationship, and one of the rules was not to talk about it, which made my friendship with you, where we shared everything, even girlfriends, kind of impossible. 

I'd love to tell you about my life.  Share the things that have changed.  It's so much more interesting now. 

I've tried to keep tabs on where you are at over the years, maybe i will try to get together when I am next in the city.  It would be good to see you.

L.


Day 12 - The person you hate most / caused you a lot of pain

I don't hate anyone. I certainly used to.

I hated my father for abandoning me, I hated my mother for being there, I hated the kids in my class for bullying me, and for being rich and white, and thin, and not being different, like I was.

I hated myself for being different, for not fitting in, for not making sense, for not being thin, and pretty, and "normal", and for not being either Elizabeth or Jessica, depending on the day or my mood.  (If you're an 80s girl you'll get the reference).

I hated the church, and christians, I would have to say I still hate religion.

I don't hate individuals though, except in moments of passion, when my ability to reason becomes overwhelmed.  That is a good thing.  I don't want to hate anyone.

People cause pain, but pain is a part of existence.