I've been really angry lately. Hating everything and everyone for no good reason.

Well, I'm sure it's because we're going to my family this holiday. I haven't been to xmas at my family for about five years, and I haven't been this psychotic in about as long. I know it's related, but it's hard. Other holidays seem to be OK with my family. While they're not always particularly great, they're at least not absolutely stress and horror.

I think partly it's because my one aunt is the only one who is a bit sane, is busy with her family this holiday, and while I really hope she'll be there at my family, she's not part of the organising so I have to work with mostly my mother on that.

Also, I think that I might have to go up a day early to take my mother, which is it's own nightmare. And I am buying most of the food for it. And I already have to go to my mother's place tomorrow, since she is recovering from an operation. I was supposed to just drop off groceries, but now she's decided she wants me to find her szechuan from somewhere. I'm debating just getting her some from President's Choice frozen section.

Home is a huge mess, and it feels a million times worse to me because I am totally freaking out about it, and, well, everything else.

I need a vacation. I know I have one coming up in January, but it will be a miracle if I manage to make it till then without ending up divorced or hospitalized.

On going back to work

Recently it has become clear that my occasional volunteering at Spouse One's business has turned into a full time job. Generally it seems that I am happy about that, which rather surprises me. I get bored easily, and have had trouble in the past with jobs where I have learned all that interests me, and then become rather laisez faire about the whole endeavour.

Partly it is nice to see Spouse One more, and we seem to have complimentary skill sets which means that we work well together. Partly it's exciting to be learning again. I have missed that, and while I adore learning, I must admit to being rather unmotivated on my own. During my two year hiatus from the workforce I taught myself to cook, and to crochet, and any number of other crafty things, but I really never pushed myself. It's exciting to be faced with developing entirely new skills.

When making life choices, I find I am often faced with the guilt of not living up to my potential. Having been identified as 'profoundly gifted' as a child, there was a lot of talk, and still more expectation, that I would accomplish something truly extraordinary. Generally I don't find that I care particularly. I am far more interested in enjoying my life, and doing things that interest me. I don't want to get all caught up in needing to be the best at everything I attempt.

I wonder if this is a thing that atheists often find, that life has no purpose beyond one's self definition of such. Perhaps it's something faced only by the ex-religious? I wonder if all that enforced certainty has left me feeling somehow lost without an authority to tell me what to do, or at least one to rebel against.

Bullshit!

Another confession: I adore Penn & Teller's Bullshit!

Adore it. Truly. There is something truly and wonderfully satisfying about watching funny people tear down superstitions, and ridiculous points of view.

I know it's not of the calibre of Dawkins' "The Root of All Evil". On the other hand it is much funnier, and has a lot more profanity.

Spirituality and Kinkiness

It seems like a lot of the people in my life are engaged in seeking some sort of spiritual path; especially those who are also part of the Leather/BDSM community. It's become a trend recently for people to spiritualize what is otherwise a perfectly reasonable hedonistic activity. Why does one need to see god in one's sadomasochism, any more than one needs to see god in a sunset. Some things are beautiful, others highly pleasurable, and others are mind-bending and produce altered states. These sorts of experiences cause me to pose the question: Isn't it enough to have an experience, without having to "god it up".

I've thought long and hard over whether my objections to all this make-your-own-religion are based in my early exposure to xtianity, and I have to conclude that they are not. If the point of belief is to connect to some sense of the divine, as greater than ones' self, then isn't it ridiculous to believe something of your own invention? Or of anyone else's invention?

How do you identify your personal life choices as a divine plan? And why do those divine plans always seem to coincide with what these you would want to do anyhow? So, you like to give control to someone else? That must mean that you are destined to do so, right? There's no chance that you just enjoy that? I certainly enjoy D/s, although I am aware that it's a form of entertainment for me, and for Spouse One. Like anything that one chooses to devote time to, there will be work involved in getting good at it, but just like developing skill at tennis, one can develop skill at service, or submission, without having to feel as though they are somehow achieving closeness with the divine. I worked hard at learning to crochet, does that mean that there is a god who means me to crochet? or just that i worked hard to achieve proficiency at something that entertains me?

I adore Spouse One, but it seems insane to me to believe that my life purpose could be to serve any one person. Or, in fact, any number of people. I can understand on some level, that desire to feel special, or singled out by the universe for a purpose, but the reality is that it's all a form of self delusion. I've met so many pagans, and xtians, and all kinds of people who just really feel like their personal vision of god/gods/nature/higher power, or whatever has some kind of purpose for them that involves gratifying their kinks. As Penn and Teller would say: Bullshit!

Yeah, I've done some pretty intense body modifications, including scalpelled cuttings, and cautery branding, and they all gave me a pretty intense "high" and had personal meaning for me. But that's just it, the meanings were for me, and for the person performing the mods, but there wasn't anything beyond that. Isn't it enough to share a great experience, or to prove one's bravery, without having to pretend some kind of spiritual connection. Yes, intense experiences create emotional and psychological bonds, and if, as I do, you like that sort of thing, then go for it, but leave the religion out of it please.

At least if you want to play with me.

Mid-life?

Recently we purchased a "box of numbers - otherwise known as a scale.

This is due to a recent alteration in the thinking of both Spouse One and myself, that while hedonism is all well and good, there is a definite limit to the enjoyment available when one has become overly fat. Chairs pinch the behind, clothes are more expensive, and frankly, the number of available sexual positions is restricted.

So we have embarked on a lifestyle change. While I have yet to make it to any sort of building housing physical activity machinery (does Costco count?), I have in fact lost over 1/5 of the weight that I wish to lose.

Seeing as I have been fat all my life, the goal is not to become particularly svelte, but simply to become sleek as a seal, rather than my previous dugong-like proportions.