Something to live for

So, I'm having trouble figuring out what to do with myself.

Given that I'm going to be on disability for the next while, and really can't manage a job, the part of my self esteem that's based on that has taken a substantial hit. I've always prided myself on doing a good job, working hard, and being a valuable part of a work team. It's something I'm really going to miss.

So there's that.

Then there's the part about being someone who takes care of a home. I have prided myself on taking care of Spouse One - Being the one who makes the house a home... I can't do those things anymore either, and it's making me feel like I'm not much use as a spouse. I used to clean the whole house, do all the laundry, do the gardening, cook big fancy meals, make lunches, and all the rest.

So that too.

Plus, with Spouse One going back to school, and me on disability we are going to be really fucking poor for the next few years. As in, I don't know that we can keep the house, what are we going to eat, how will we pay our bills, kind of poor.

That's a lot of stress. Combined with Spouse One's therapy over the treatment by theparental units, the stress that my mom is under at the moment, the residual grief over the sale of my grandparent's cottage, and the residual stress and feelings of betrayal over the abrupt dismissal from the family biz.

Long term it looks like things are going to be better for us, without the biz, since things are getting messier with the fam, and now we're out of it, but it's still a whole lot of energy, time and money to have put into things for no result. It's very disappointing.

Medically, things are still not going all that well, I'm extremely sensitive to all meds, and we're still trying to sort out what will work for me. At least I get sparkly crutches, which are supposed to come tomorrow. That's exciting. It should make a huge difference to being able to get around.

In the meantime I am hoarding my energy and doing my best to cope with being in pain all time. I hate being in pain, and am really hoping for some kind of resolution with the rheumatologist helping me out with a new scrip.