Unpacking my marriage

Just like I tried to be fair when I was packing up the house, I'm trying to be fair in unpacking the problems of the marriage.

I know that I was unfair, especially at the end. Everyone has a right to a relationship without yelling and raging, and without their spouse throwing things. I couldn't manage that at all.

I also know that everyone has the right to not be lied to, and J lied about money. There was a small claims court judgement against her that I only found out about when we were doing the tax backlog. She also lied about doing the taxes, every year for 10 years, said she would do them, and then did not.

J had a right to be apreciated and respected, and I couldn't always manage that. I would get upset over the lack of communication, and frustrated over not having plans, and no matter how badly I wanted to keep to my resolutions to keep the peace, and not get mad, I'd end up losing it. I couldn't keep things civil.

I had a right to make plans to look forward to. I had a right to be able to talk about problems, and get some kind of resolution, even if that resolution was to agree to disagree, instead of the tacit agreement to disassociate together.

We worked well together. We loved each other as well as we could, and, honestly, it was remarkable when it worked, but it was a dream. Real life is a hell of a lot more painful.

I am lonely. I am remembering that I was lonely when I was with J too, but it was dulled by just having someone else there.

After getting sick, I needed to grieve, and I needed to do that with J. I tried. Clumsily, awkwardly, maybe even harshly and brutally sometimes, but she wasn't having anything to do with that. She had her therapist, and being someone who doesn't share feelings, she wasn't up for doing that with me.

I needed us to aknowledge the loss together. The loss of our future, of our plans, of what felt like everything.

It's taken a lot of work for me to feel like I can build a life for myself again. I would have liked to build it with Jay. I miss her like crazy.

A friend suggested that J couldn't cope with me being sick, and I think that's part of it.

I still feel like such a failure.