Saturday, October 19, 2013

The agony of gendered costumes

I'm going to a costume party tonight.  I'm supposed to be going as a 70s porn star, but I couldn't get the 'stache right, but I spent two hours in the bathroom creating perfect facial hair with fake fur and double sided tape and it looks great and instead of wanting to go to the party it makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry.

Admittedly it's shark week, (Yes I'm mitigating it with my own special brew of teas) and that doesn't help with emotional lability but being pre-transitional, gendered costumes all feel particularly shaming and/or fake. 

Wearing a mustache, binding and packing, however suggestive or comical, just highlights the gender dysphoria I already feel.  Wearing a girly outfit would be like stuffing myself back into a closet for a night.

Right now I just need things to change and I don't have much of a sense of humour about anything.  I want to go as a sofa cushion or something similarly sexless.

My heart hurts. I don't want to wear my sex or gender/identity as a costume. Maybe I'll get my sense of humour back when I stop feeling so shitty and scared about things.