Day 02 - your crush

P,

I saw your work this past weekend, and you are so amazing, and so hot, and funny, and playful, and just, wow!

I have a total silly school-kid type crush on you, which is even more ridiculous, since it is my warrior who wants to get to play with you.

I don't really know what else to say. I'm sure you get your fair share of giddy praise and honeyed eloquence from those seeking access to your skills, and I don't want to be just another st*rf*cker.

Of course I want to be special. Want my request for you to give me wings to be unique. My warrior felt, for the first time this year, the muscles that hold his wings in place, and being part of a female-bodied collective, he isn't going to be able to do anything about that, but he'd like a chance to set them free.

I feel like maybe you are someone who could understand that. The warrior likes to test his strength, loves singletails, and would like lasting proof of his valour if at all possible.

Thanks for listening,

L.

Day 01 - your best friend (30 days, 30 letters)

B,

I haven't had a best friend since you. I miss you. I feel like I fucked things up, and I know apologies aren't your thing, so I won't make a drama of it, but I was having this big new relationship /  married / suburban life, and I lost the bond we shared in the process.

I'm not the person I was then anymore. I'm not the person I was in between anymore, either. I tried to be someone assimilating her way into the middle class, and I'm not that, either.

I'm still not exactly sure who I am.

I have a cat now, again, an orange one.

I have a girlfriend too. I think you'd like her. She lives in a cabin in the middle of the woods, and has eschewed modern comforts in favour of economy and simplicity.  Right now she's in the US starting a travelling job, and I miss her.

I miss getting to shop the Goodwill with you, and I miss being catty with you, and I miss just hanging out and playing games and spending time together.

There was a lot about those early years that wasn't so great, but our friendship was one of the highlights.  Thanks for being such an awesome part of my life.

L.

30 days, 30 letters

So, this is going around, and it seems like a worthwhile timewaster/ writing exercise.

Day 01 - your best friend
Day 02 - your crush
Day 03 – your parents
Day 04 – your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 05 – your dreams
Day 06 – a stranger
Day 07 – your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 08 – your favourite internet friend
Day 09 – someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 – someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 - a deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 – the person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 – someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 – someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 – the person you miss the most
Day 16 – someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 – someone from your childhood
Day 18 – the person that you wish you could be
Day 19 – someone that pesters your mind, good or bad
Day 20 – the one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 – someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 – someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 – the last person you kissed
Day 24 – the person that gave you your favourite memory
Day 25 – the person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 – the last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 – the friendliest person you only knew for one day
Day 28 – someone that changed your mind
Day 29 - the person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 – your reflection in the mirror

Grad stress

So, there's some debate over whether I will graduate on time due to an assignment that didn't get done and it's stressing me out. I feel like crap.

I'm having my usual response to things being emotionally ok - which is freaking out.
It's stupid. I haven't got anough money. Of course not. That's not going to change for some time, but I am loved, which is making me all kinds of uneasy. 

I'll be ok. Trusting this is hard.

Lupus redux

I still have trouble with how radically different my life is.  I used to be such a powerhouse, and I'm not anymore.  It's hard for me to distinguish between laziness and rest, and harder (read: impossible) for me not to beat myself up over it. 

My house is a mess because I've been on placement. Today isn't enough time to get it cleaned up entirely. I'm not sure I could even do it, but it's hard not to hate myself for not doing it.

I reread the spoon theory today. It's exactly what I'm talking about.  having to consciously choose between things, all of which matter to me, in order to be able to keep functioning.  So, I sacrifice aspects of my femme appearance to be able to keep up with school work, and I sacrifice aspects of my creative expression to be able to get the housework done, and I sacrifice creativity in dressing in favour of warmth, and pretty soon I don't know who I am anymore.  Add that to being tired, working like crazy, and living in a mess because I just barely have time to get things that need to get done, done, like laundry and cooking, and that's been my year.

This is the original, in case it's not what you found:
http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory-written-by-christine-miserandino/

It's been tough.

I can't always differentiate between whether I'm being lazy, or whether I'm taking needed rest, because I'm used to pushing myself beyond what I can reasonably manage.  When I am teaching in school past the point where I can stand up without pain, and I'm doing schoolwork past the point where I can reasonably stay awake, and cleaning and carrying things at a point where my body is in agony, then it's really hard to tell whether my sitting and resting and reading, researching, or actually taking time off, is reasonable, or is avoidance.

I'm getting better at it, trying to rest a reasonable amount, no longer falling asleep on my homework, and going to bed at a reasonable hour, which helps.  

One more day to get through. Then finish getting the house ready, taxes done, and enjoy a visit with a friend.