J and I agreed on a lot of things that were fairly fundamental, and that I took for granted.
Atheism is a big one. I assumed that my partner would be an atheist. I value my capacity for rational thought, and I really thought I would have a partner who would share that love of reason. Even when I am irrational, I know that I am being irrational, I can admit that, I know that it is something that I am doing for my own self-soothing, and I am ok with that.
I know that humanity has a drive towards connection, and that our minds create this interconnectedness where none exists. I'm ok with that. I go to the cemetary and talk to the dead grandparents. I know they're dead, and can't talk to me, but I miss them, and it makes me feel connected to them, to talk to them. I used to talk to them at the cottage too. Sometimes I talk to them at home, or camping. I KNOW it's not real, but if it mitigates the pain of their absence, then it's a form of self-reflection, more so than a form of spirituality.
K and I have had a few major arguments about "spirituality", in which I have asked that she not try to convince me that the stories are "true", or end them with a polemic. The last one ended with a statement to the effect that she can't believe that all of the most intelligent people she knows refuse to use the "full power of their minds", and refuse to open up their minds to the "full possibilities of the universe."
It's not even possible to have a rational conversation in that context, because one person is arguing that supersition is true, based on their personal experience, and the other is arguing that life requires rational thought, and scientific explanation.
It ends up degenerating into a "yes", "no" argument, to which there is no end, and in which there is no point.
I don't agree that this stuff is true. I am not going to change my mind on that. I think that people skew their stories in retrospect, to better fit the facts to their perspectives, and I think that coincidences happen all the time, which can be accounted for, but which also are really great, and there's nothing wrong with crediting the people involved, or the circumstances, instead of inventing/clinging to fantasy.
I understand why people want religion. I want it. It makes sense to me to want to believe that there is something out there helping me. Some kind of purpose. Most of my life is lived in terror and uncertainty over the fact that I am constantly facing the unknown. I don't know what's going to happen to me. I am afraid.
I have people who love me. I have community, when I can remember, and work myself up to get out and join it. I have a brain that still works. I am a glitter of cosmic dust, and a spark in the inky black of forever. Overall, these are the things that mitigate the terror, and bring joy as well.
As Douglas Adams famously said:
"Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?"
As Douglas Adams famously said:
"Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?"
