Day 18 – the person that you wish you could be

Future me,

You've changed so much, varied so much, I don't really know what you look like now.
I got to try so many of them, but they were allvery flat and one-dimensional, wth very little understanding of the depth me. 

housewife - check
property - check
grrl - check
mac artist - check
boi - check
scholar - check
teacher - check
devout xtian - check
radical atheist - check
sick/disabled person - check

I tried to hard to be these things, and the messiness of the rest of "me" kept spilling out.  Kind of the way that when one cleans one's house there's all those extraneous, unquantifiable things, that have no place, but can't be goodwilled or thrown out. They just  keep showing up and getting piled around:
wristwarmers: are they accessories or mittens
hoodies: jackets or sweaters
sleeping bags: camping or blankets
the parts for the scanner
extra headphones
a spare flowerpot
some soil
that card i wanted to keep to call that guy
some things i wanted to send my cousin
the travel cosmetics bag

I want to offer you a framework to be all these messy things, to flow outside the space defined, define new space, close off old space, and change and grow as need be without feeling like there is a need to fit into anything.

I'm aiming there.  It's part of why I'm blank in terms of fashion right now. I have the long hair because it feels wrong to cut it. That's all. It's no statement. The other default option is bald - shave it off. I just know I'm going to want it long again - and the in-between parts are so much horror - the military cuts aren't bad, but I've had enough bobs, and I could do without another puff-head phase.

I hope you're happy when I'm finished being in this chrysalis. It's been a safe place, but it's getting kind of small.

-me