Personal Intersectionality

I identify myself as Estonian, or Finno-Ugric, or a member of the Baltic diaspora.  I haven't often identified myself as mixed-race, or especially as black, or Jamaican, moreso as "my father is from Jamaica".  Or "I am Estonian/Jamiacan".

It's a strange thing, realizing that I have conveniently forgotten this half of my identity, in the same way that so many people of my community "forget" that portion of my identity in the way that they see me.  It's not difficult to do. 

I look white. Not perfectly white, the way that most Estos are, with their blonde hair and blue eyes, but euro-white, certainly, maybe Med?

People do ask, not so much anymore, but they used to:
Where are you from?
Are you Greek/Spanish/Portuguese/Native/South American/Mexican?

You're not black.
You're lucky you don't look black, don't have the nose, the hair, etc...

I do have fine, dark, wavy hair, unlike anyone else in my Mom's family, all of whom have fine light brown or blonde hair.

My half-sisters have slightly darker skin than me, but they look like me, and we all look a lot more like the indigenous people of Jamaica than like African people.

Last week I went to a film showing here of Reel Injun.  It's a great movie. Go see it. Seriously, go see it!  But, afterwards, the director of our Indigenous studies department and I got to talking, as I wanted to ask him about some interesting comments he had made:
An idea about the creator having given to Europeans the gift of travelling to places outside of their lands.  I can't wait to read the work it's from.  But, we were talking, and I was talking about the difficulties I was having resolving my Western way of thinking and approaching academic thought with Indigenous knowledge, and my inherent understanding of that, which for me connects to something outside of an educational context. 

His response was to ask me about my background, and to inquire about where in Jamaica my father was from, and whether I had heard of Carib Indians? 

I had, tangentially, but never as anything connected to me.  The idea has been making my head fall apart for a few days now, and I am still not really ready to fully connect with it. 

I feel like an impostor.  Much as I always have when confronted with issues of racialization in my life.  I have functioned as white, and been situated as white, with the only realization of difference being the "othering" behaviours that happen when people notice things that have to be explained away - Random frizzy hairs that sprout suddenly after a bath; my propensity to tan and not burn; the fact that I don't look like other Estos; my slightly darker skin.

Before all this I went through an experiment in oiling my hair. It felt amazing. It was curly, and shiny, and hung perfectly, except that it was taking effort to get it right, and white friends and relatives told me it was "oily" and felt nasty.

I just have to find out how to get it right.  I'm sure there's a balance.  Now it's dry and terrible.

Identity politics, racialization, hair, all this stuff goes together.