Day 20 – the one that broke your heart the hardest

J,

The longer this goes on, the deeper my understanding.

It wasn't that you broke my heart, but my heart did break that last year.

I needed things to be over. It wasn't fair to either of us for me to continue like that.

I had a lot of issues - rage, pain, fear, hate, self-loathing, shame - none of which were your problem, and all of which came screaming to the forefront when I got sick.

It's not like things weren't bad because of what we were each dealing with already, but having what felt like a death sentence dumped on top of that made trying to keep things under control feel pointless.

I am so sorry.  I did not see it.  None of it was so consciously thought out, but "what was the point of trying to be nice, when there was a decent likelihood of being dead in the next few years?" was my thinking pattern.

It is something I still struggle with from time to time.  I have a year and two months left on my 5 year deadline.  (50% chance of living through the first 5 years of Lupus, remember?)

I am just learning to talk to someone about what it takes to express needs as someone with Lupus.

I could barely manage it before, although I did, sometimes, it wasn't great, and I wasn't a great listener, and I had all kinds of problems, but any added vulnerability, and it threw me for a loop, and left me lost, panicking, and full-on claws-out.

I see that.

Needing is scary.  Really needing is petrifying.

I really am sorry that I wasn't able to find words to talk to you. Sorry that I hurt you.

-me